gay90s | where the heart is

"I'm not. I don't think it's for me, that kind of love. Romantic." Never went well, really. He had wanted it so badly originally, maybe that was why he fell for Felix so hard and fast. And then there were the ill-fated attempts that went wrong with all the others. Finally actually being with Felix after all that and having that dream collapse like a house of cards during a thunderstorm really made him feel a lot less romantically inclined.

Still, he didn't want Felix to think that he was just a complete sad sack. "I'm focusing more on the familial love. I-- I actually have one. A kid, I mean. Gideon. He's watching a movie right now, he's the one who recommended the wagon wheel."

"Oh."

Holden had a kid. Holden had a small, vulnerable child. Yeah, he was never getting back together with him. Not that he could. Or should. But it felt like a nail in the coffin and Holden stared ahead for a few moments and then looked off to the side, just trying to process. Why was this happening? Just to rub it in? Was he that much of a disaster that he needed all of his dreams ruined? Oh God, he was eating a wagon wheel brought to him by the kid and this was bad. This was like breaking into his ex's apartment and burning the couch bad. Which was something he planned to talk about in therapy today but well, you know, no therapy today and oh yeah, he should probably say something more than oh.

"That's great!" Felix smiled as much as he could, trying to make it look real and then swiftly giving it up. "Sorry, no, I'm spiralling, can you give me like-- a second. I can work through this in my head." He held up his hand and then continued to stare off at nothing.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have..." Shouldn't have said anything and he was sorry. He also trailed off, biting down on his bottom lip, working through it himself. Purely selfish that he had told Felix any of this. Because he wanted to share with Felix. Because he wanted Felix to be part of his life. Because he missed him and hated that there was any part of him that Felix didn't know.

Yeah, selfish. Felix had a diagnosis, was in therapy. Didn't want to see him and much less hear about his life. Holden felt awful, but of course that was selfish in its own way. Couldn't make this about his guilt over handling it badly either. "It'll pass, Felix. Just. Always good to remember."

"I am happy for you." Felix said finally as he blinked a few times and then rubbed at his face, trying to calm himself. "It's just a lot, you know? In my head, you're still young and working in a bookshop and it's just one of those moments when you realise everyone keeps growing and you're standing still in an abyss of garbage where things get worse and not better. I know, I know, I'll get there but I don't even know if I have the time to get there! How will anyone even notice if I changed or not changed or if I was even there?!"

And that was way too much, he was trauma dumping and this wasn't therapist. This was his ex. He stood up swiftly and held up his hands. "Sorry, that was a lot. I'm so sorry. This is great news and I'm just -- like I said, it's ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'll leave." He really needed to. He stopped at the door and tried to get his shoes on."

"I will always notice, Felix. Just. For the record." Holden crossed his arms loosely and swallowed, leaning against the wall with one shoulder as he watched Felix, trying to resist everything inside him that wanted to reach out to him and hold him back. Wanted to be there for him. Wanted to have Felix again, whatever that entailed.

He wished he could stop Felix from running off. Wished he didn't have to fear another time that Felix would set up to destroy himself. He had been selfish to ever date Felix, really, because it had doomed the chance of being there for Felix in the long run. "I know you've changed now. I can see that. You can talk to me, you know? You paid for it. Technically."

"I can't talk to you. You're my ex and you have a kid, you have all of these things. you have your mates and your life. I can't keep doing this. Cause this is what I did when I dated you. I just exploded my crazy all over your life and it's not fair, Holden. It's really not. On you, you get that, right? It's not fair for you." And he knew that Holden wasn't a therapist right now, he was an ex who was too invested and would always been too invested.

"I'm just -- I'm doing fine and I'm so happy about the kid, seriously. It's great. It's just a shock. It's the end, you know? And I know, I know, we already ended. I remember, we ended but it's like - I could never fit into that world. And I never should have, really. I'm tired of being selfish." He was trying to become better and do better and now look, one evening and he fucked it all up. He ran his hands through his hair and huffed. "Did my fucking homework and everything, for the session, I'm really trying and it just sucks because I don't know if there's any point to it all."

"There is a point to it all. The point is you, Felix, and you are worth it. Even if you can't see that yourself right now." Holden wasn't even certain how to engage with everything else Felix had said. Like how his heart skipped a beat even just realising that Felix was implying that he hadn't wanted for them to be ended, which was patently ridiculous. But he knew he would never be over Felix, why would that have changed by now? Every time he thought about him he knew that much. And right now, looking at him.

"Just don't give up on yourself. Please." Not his place to ask, but it seemed important anyway. "And, you know, I guess we never fit into each other's worlds. Doesn't mean it's selfish that we wanted to try. Stupid, maybe. But not selfish."

Felix was quiet for a moment, one shoe on and one shoe off, feeling that it was a pretty good state to be in, given everything. He sighed and then looked at his former love, feeling such pain inside and hating it. "I don't know if I'll ever see you again, you know. I just wanted to tell you that ... you were the one and I'm sorry I sucked. I couldn't handle it. I knew I'd ruin it so I tried to ruin it faster and harder so it would be done. I spent my life just chasing the end because I knew it was always coming. And now I found the end and I'm just -- I'm just sorry. I shouldn't have done it to you the way I did."

And he did feel bad. He knew it wasn't his place to feel like that or say all of this right now but he was hoping to never burden Holden again. "I'm sorry we didn't work out. I always had an idea in my head and just -- you have a kid, it's so perfect. And you need to find someone who's good with kids and maybe have more." And he was so happy for him. "I'm just sorry. For myself. I wish I could be that guy and it sucks."

"I know that!" All of that. Hell, he remembered discovering that Felix had cheated and feeling worse, at least for a moment, over Felix succeeding in destroying them than the destruction itself. It wasn't as if he didn't understand Felix, diagnosis or not. He knew Felix better than anyone, probably better than Felix knew himself.

And then Felix said all of that and Holden could barely even listen. Just watched Felix and loved Felix and then he had pushed away from the wall and suddenly he was kissing Felix and he didn't ever want to stop.

He was stupid that way. In love.

Oh God, they were kissing. Did he kiss him? When did he do that? Oh. Wait. No, it was Holden kissing him. Woah, that was bad, right? This was bad. He felt wrong for doing it this way. He swiftly pushed Holden back but kept his hands on his shoulders, knowing that doing any of this without Holden's consent was a line cross.

"Holden." He looked him in the eyes and then looked away, unable to look him in the eyes. "We shouldn't-- I've got HIV. AIDS. I, erm, yeah." He knew he didn't need to add much. It spoke for itself. Death sentence. Slutty. Gay. Spread easily. Maybe he was dumb but he didn't know if swapping spit was dangerous or not. "Sorry. Should have warned you."

"...I mean, in all fairness to you, you couldn't foresee that I was gonna jump you." Or maybe he should have, talking like that. Calling him the one. Whatever, there were other things to focus on now. Severe issues. "HIV or AIDS already? And... It's transmitted via blood, not saliva. For the record."

So he was not worried about that right now. Worried about a lot of other things, mostly worried about Felix. "Are you-- You have to eat something proper!" He knew Felix, he never ate properly. "You need veggie, fruit, healthy stuff. Beans."

Was that a good reaction to this reveal? Maybe not, but he was so used to wanting to take care of Felix.

"Uh, HIV, right now at least. I'm doing okay, my doctor gave me an estimate if I keep going like I am but I'm stubborn, I'll beat it." He wasn't going to take those meds. All of his mates that did, they ended up dead. And he wasn't going to die so soon. "It's just -- I mean, I ate enough? I had the wagon wheel. Well, almost all of the wagon wheel."

He finished the last bite, just to show Holden. "See, look, ate it."

He put the wrapper in the trash, struggling to process how Holden spoke about it. He wasn't disgusted or horrified, just himself. How did he even react to that. "I can eat when I'm home. It's cool. Thanks... I'm not used to that. Most people react with disgust. I've lost almost every mate I had that didn't already die from it."

"That's because your mates are all pillocks." Seemed only fair to point that out. Holden shook his head, trying to recall everything he had read on the issue. Which, considering he knew Remus and others and since he specialised a lot in these matters was actually quite a lot. "You wouldn't have anything healthy at home. Come over to the kitchen, I'll make you a baked potato."

That was his exciting dinner plan tonight. "Remus has HIV. Did you know?" Probably not. "Sirius is still with him. Not everyone is like your mates, Felix."

"I know Sirius has a dog... that's kind of it. Oh and his boyfriend works with books." He liked Sirius, he saw him around a lot but he had no idea Remus had a boyfriend. "I dunno if I can stay around your kid, mate. It's not safe." What if he bled or something? He liked Holden, he wanted his kid to like him, he wanted to be a good person and not fuck one thing up.

And so far, he'd goaded Holden into a kiss and now they were doing to his kitchen. "I try to keep distance, you know? I'm never sure. I just -- I didn't mean to catch it. I was really drunk and the guy I was with, he lied." He didn't blame him, he got it. "He was a good guy, he was. Honest. Just a little out of it. He's dead now, he went so fast..."

"Well, Felix, then I recommend you stay away from sharp objects and especially blades. Which has always been my recommendation for you." That said he grabbed Felix by the arm and led him along to the door, through the hallway. The movie would be far from over, so hopefully that would mean Felix had some time to adjust to this. "I promise to grab Gideon and hold him out of reach as soon as you start bleeding."

He was teasing, just a little. He hoped a bit of humour could help Felix relax. "Look, Felix. We all know how this goes. And we, the community, we've got to stick together. I've friends that work in research. Friends that are carers. Friends affected. I get it."

As much as he could, anyway. "And you can eat a potato. Won't hurt anyone."

"You wouldn't think it if you talk to Michael." Michael was a little concerned, not just of him but for him, and sometimes his protectiveness freaked Felix out a lot. Felix came into the kitchen and looked around at the little area with the tiny step stool, colourful plates and glasses and the cross stitching on the wall. Yeah, there was a Holden hobby.

He turned his head and there, on the couch, was a tiny boy watching a Disney movie. He was in pyjamas, had dirty blond hair and wide eyes.

Gideon turned towards them and looked curiously before he waved shyly. "Hi." A new person. A patient? He wasn't allowed those. "Holden, there's a patient."

"That's my mate Felix, Gideon. You can say hello if you want to." That said he started stabbing the potatoes with a fork so they'd be ready to go into the oven, glancing at Felix. "And if you ask my brother I'm insane for wanting to engage with any part of the world and caring about anyone other than myself, so really. What do brothers know?"

Holden shrugged. "Michael has a lot of issues. We know that." Especially when it came to Felix.

"Hello." Gideon offered shyly as he paused his video and got up, coming over slowly and then rushing over so he could hold onto Holden's pants protectively. "I'm Gideon, I'm his boy." He just wanted that to be clear to everyone.

"I know, I heard. That's so cool. Holden's such a good dad, huh?" Felix dropped into a crouch, grinning at the boy. He was so small. "Is that Postman Pat on your pyjamas. Wicked! You have the best taste."

Gideon grinned and then hid his face against Holden's leg.

"Gideon loves Postman Pat. He has a Postman Pat themed birthday party coming up, right?" Holden ran a hand through the hair of his suddenly very shy boy, then let go of him so he could pop the potatoes into the oven. He glanced at the clock so he'd know the time, then he picked Gideon up and looked at Felix. "Gideon likes where we live because it's like the Postman Pat village."

As good a reason as any, he supposed. "Gideon, Felix's brother lives in the manor. You know, the one on the hill, the really fancy one."

"The big one where all the things are big and fancy."

"Yeah, that's the one. It's giant in there. He has a pool too. He never uses it, says it's too much, too wet. He really is a weirdo." Felix dismissed as he got back onto his feet and smiled awkwardly at Holden. "You really don't have to cook for me. I was going to go to Michael to rant and usually he has a snack or something for me to have before I drive back."

"Where do you live? In the village?"

"Nah, London. I'm in an apartment with three other dudes. It's terrible, I love it." He loved sharing and being around people so for him, it was pretty entertaining. Unless he really needed to pee or the dishes weren't done.

"Gideon used to live in the city, but he's a country boy now, aren't you?" He bopped Gideon's nose and sat him down on the counter, because he was starting to get a little bit heavy for him.

"Felix works at a café, Gid. Like Nancy from down the street. He can make really cool art on top of coffee and hot chocolate." Well, it was pretty impressive, he thought. Holden almost brought up Minjun but then decided against it. "Gideon really enjoys some steamed and foamed milk, you know? He's a fancy boy."

"Did you know Aussies call it a babycino?" Felix informed Holden wisely as he leaned up against the wall, just watching the father and son interact. They were pretty cute together. "I don't work in a café right now but I hope to again soon." His meltdown kind of killed his career and got him fired so now he was working on trying to work out what direction to go. "I hate working for other people, they never have any fun and we never have any new clients. Always commuters getting coffee. They never even look at the art!"

He really wanted to own his own place but that was a dream he shared with Minjun. Seemed wrong to change the dream and do it without him. "But I can do all kinds of art. I can do hearts, swirls, leaves and even ducks."

"Wow, you can do ducks?" Holden knew that, of course, but he was in awe anyway. He remembered those ducks, they looked precious. "Maybe he could even do our chickens, eh?"

There was a fun thought. "Gideon's best friends are our chickens. We're working on getting him to like kids his age." It was a bit of a tough sell, for understandable reasons. "Maybe you can do some latte art for us some time."

Maybe he was getting ahead of himself there. What else was new?

"I can try it out. You want a chicken latte?" Gideon nodded his head, not sure what one was but he wanted to see it. "We'll make it a hot chocolate, naturally, but I can try. If it's okay. I don't want to impose, you have people coming over."

"I'm getting a puppy today." Gideon told him, as he had told everyone the past few days.

"Woooah. No way. Really? A puppy." That was... a lot of work. God, he hoped Holden was ready for that. "Sounds really exciting. Are you ready to have a puppy? It's a lot of work."

"I'm gonna train it and love it always." Gideon wisely informed him as he reached out to Holden for support around the stranger. "It's gonna be my best friend."

"He got his teeth done by the dentist and was a brave boy, so it showed me he's ready to have a puppy." Holden smiled at Gideon, then looked at Holden and shrugged his shoulders. "Sirius's dog had puppies, they have one left. Anyway, we go on walks a lot as it is and he is really good and gentle with animals, so I figure it might work out for the best."

Here was hoping, anyway. "Might be a bit much, but nothing we can't handle, huh?"

Hopefully. "You should stay, Felix. If you want. Remus and Sirius won't at all mind you being here."

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