gay90s | where the heart is

"Yeah, psychiatrist would give you a diagnosis." And Holden could make a very well educated guess about said diagnosis, but he didn't put that out there right now. Seemed invasive. "You're still in the beginning phase. Two months is nothing. So much to get used to, so don't be hard on yourself. Don't rush things. This stuff takes time."

He explained it calmly, finding himself wishing that he could do more. That he was there to support Felix the way he wanted to. That he could at least be there for him as a friend.

"You could stay for a bit longer anyway, if you want. We're baking today, I got ready-made dough for it." Oh. Right. That we. "Er. Sirius and Remus are coming over later. You remember them?"

"Oh yeah, I still see Sirius around sometimes." And Sirius knew he had HIV, everyone in their clubbing circle did, so that was a bit of a concern. Would he tell Holden? Fuck. He didn't want him to think about this shit, Holden didn't need it. "Didn't think that city boy would come all the way here from London. It's quite the community and nowhere to eat on the way. I only ate some polos today."

He had old mints in his glovebox. He had a hard time eating before therapy and he didn't pace himself well.

"How you doing? Good? You look good. This place is really ... cosy. You wanted the whole cottage living stuff." He remembered. And this? This was the ultimate cosy cottage. "Looks like something out of Fireman Sam."

"The place is very Postman Pat, yea. And it's a bit of a drive, but they'll stay the night and they're dropping something off." He supposed that was all true in a rather literal way. Holden really wanted to let Felix in on everything, because it felt wrong that he wasn't more involved in his life. But he knew that was a dangerous road to go down, much as that knowledge hurt. "There's a café just up the road, makes me think of you sometimes. The woman who runs it has a wicked sense of humour."

Getting on in age a bit, but she was always good for a laugh. "Are you hungry? I've got some stuff in the kitchen."

"I should probably eat." If he didn't eat properly, it could trigger a bad reaction and since he'd ditched his meds, he needed to try and keep fit. Even if his default was sick and not even a bit hungry. "You got like a bar or something? I don't need much. I'll pay you back. Make me a tab or whatever."

He got onto his feet and walked over to look at the pictures in the room, eyeing up the paintings that screamed 'therapy area'. "I can wait here, I don't want to impose. I'll just look at the art. Oh, look, a tree!" He pretended to be excited and walked over to the happy summer tree to ponder it. "It really makes me feel... inspired to share."

"Yea, I bet. I know how much you love trees, with all their pollen and the potential for bugs." Holden shook his head and smiled as he got up, walking closer to Felix. He put a hand on his shoulder for just a moment. "I'll be right back."

That said he walked through the door and the hallway, over to the living part of the house. He had set up Gideon with a movie, a snack, a drink and the remote control before, so he wasn't concerned over him. Still, he stopped by to kiss his son's cheek. "Hey. I'm grabbing a snack from the kitchen, my patient is hungry. How's the movie?"

"Hey, I'm a nature lover! I love it away from me." Damn it, how did Holden do that? Touch him, smile so easily, not be a bitter jerk like he should be. God, why wasn't he angry? He was just always... lovely. Fuck him.

"I'm good." Gideon told Holden, though he was eager for his dad to finish work. Even so, his dad had worked out the best way to appease his son - Disney movies and a fun snack until he was done. He ate more of his chocolate bar and looked at Holden, a happy smile on his face. "We meet a puppy today! Did you tell the patient?"

"Nah, I didn't tell him. Didn't even tell him about you, my darling boy." He ruffled Gideon's hair and shrugged. "We'll tidy up a bit when I finish, so everything is nice for the puppy. And we need to prepare the couch for Remus and Sirius to stay over too."

He wondered what car these two would borrow, because he assumed that Remus was smarter than to try and get on a motorcycle with a puppy. Sirius, he was less sure about that. "Want to help me pick out a snack for my patient? We can pause the movie quickly."

"Okay, I can pause." He pressed pause on his video and slid off the couch, walking to the kitchen with Holden. He came to the snack cupboard and pondered seriously before he pulled out a wagon wheel. It was a special snack and if they came to Holden, they were usually sad and unhappy. "You can tell him 'cheer up, here's a wagon wheel!'" He declared, putting his hands up playfully and putting on the commercial characters voice as he did it.

"You don't hafta say about me, I'm not therapy." He knew that he wasn't supposed to be part of therapy. "But he can have snacks from me."

"I'll tell him just like that," Holden promised, picking Gideon up so he could kiss his cheek and hug him close. Felt nice, holding his boy for a little before he got back to the room filled with unspoken things. "I love you, yea? To the moon and back."

He was sure Gideon would get annoyed with him over these outpourings of love soon enough, but right now they both needed it sometimes. "Thank you for the snack tip. I'll see you after your movie."

With that and one last hug, he set Gideon down and then headed back on over to the other side of the house, where he presented Felix with the special snack. "Cheer up, here's a wagon wheel!" Just as instructed.

"Wagon wheel? Damn, someone likes me." Felix joked as he took the wagon wheel and laughed, opening it up so he could eat some of the snack right away. He finished inspecting all the art and flopped back down on the chair, figuring he'd eat and then he'd head off. "This has been... awkward and not the best surprise I've had, I'll be honest, but it's good seeing you."

Even if it was weird and embarrassing - oh God, Holden had his notes! - he liked to see that Holden was happy. "You got the house and the practise. It's cool. I'm really happy for you. And hey, hopefully soon you'll get a killer partner and a couple of kids."

He knew that was what Holden wanted. A family. That is, if he didn't already have one. "Of course, you might be taken. What do I know?" He laughed, secretly hoping he didn't. He just wanted him to stay single. Forever. For him. Stupid, selfish asshole.

"I'm not. I don't think it's for me, that kind of love. Romantic." Never went well, really. He had wanted it so badly originally, maybe that was why he fell for Felix so hard and fast. And then there were the ill-fated attempts that went wrong with all the others. Finally actually being with Felix after all that and having that dream collapse like a house of cards during a thunderstorm really made him feel a lot less romantically inclined.

Still, he didn't want Felix to think that he was just a complete sad sack. "I'm focusing more on the familial love. I-- I actually have one. A kid, I mean. Gideon. He's watching a movie right now, he's the one who recommended the wagon wheel."

"Oh."

Holden had a kid. Holden had a small, vulnerable child. Yeah, he was never getting back together with him. Not that he could. Or should. But it felt like a nail in the coffin and Holden stared ahead for a few moments and then looked off to the side, just trying to process. Why was this happening? Just to rub it in? Was he that much of a disaster that he needed all of his dreams ruined? Oh God, he was eating a wagon wheel brought to him by the kid and this was bad. This was like breaking into his ex's apartment and burning the couch bad. Which was something he planned to talk about in therapy today but well, you know, no therapy today and oh yeah, he should probably say something more than oh.

"That's great!" Felix smiled as much as he could, trying to make it look real and then swiftly giving it up. "Sorry, no, I'm spiralling, can you give me like-- a second. I can work through this in my head." He held up his hand and then continued to stare off at nothing.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have..." Shouldn't have said anything and he was sorry. He also trailed off, biting down on his bottom lip, working through it himself. Purely selfish that he had told Felix any of this. Because he wanted to share with Felix. Because he wanted Felix to be part of his life. Because he missed him and hated that there was any part of him that Felix didn't know.

Yeah, selfish. Felix had a diagnosis, was in therapy. Didn't want to see him and much less hear about his life. Holden felt awful, but of course that was selfish in its own way. Couldn't make this about his guilt over handling it badly either. "It'll pass, Felix. Just. Always good to remember."

"I am happy for you." Felix said finally as he blinked a few times and then rubbed at his face, trying to calm himself. "It's just a lot, you know? In my head, you're still young and working in a bookshop and it's just one of those moments when you realise everyone keeps growing and you're standing still in an abyss of garbage where things get worse and not better. I know, I know, I'll get there but I don't even know if I have the time to get there! How will anyone even notice if I changed or not changed or if I was even there?!"

And that was way too much, he was trauma dumping and this wasn't therapist. This was his ex. He stood up swiftly and held up his hands. "Sorry, that was a lot. I'm so sorry. This is great news and I'm just -- like I said, it's ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'll leave." He really needed to. He stopped at the door and tried to get his shoes on."

"I will always notice, Felix. Just. For the record." Holden crossed his arms loosely and swallowed, leaning against the wall with one shoulder as he watched Felix, trying to resist everything inside him that wanted to reach out to him and hold him back. Wanted to be there for him. Wanted to have Felix again, whatever that entailed.

He wished he could stop Felix from running off. Wished he didn't have to fear another time that Felix would set up to destroy himself. He had been selfish to ever date Felix, really, because it had doomed the chance of being there for Felix in the long run. "I know you've changed now. I can see that. You can talk to me, you know? You paid for it. Technically."

"I can't talk to you. You're my ex and you have a kid, you have all of these things. you have your mates and your life. I can't keep doing this. Cause this is what I did when I dated you. I just exploded my crazy all over your life and it's not fair, Holden. It's really not. On you, you get that, right? It's not fair for you." And he knew that Holden wasn't a therapist right now, he was an ex who was too invested and would always been too invested.

"I'm just -- I'm doing fine and I'm so happy about the kid, seriously. It's great. It's just a shock. It's the end, you know? And I know, I know, we already ended. I remember, we ended but it's like - I could never fit into that world. And I never should have, really. I'm tired of being selfish." He was trying to become better and do better and now look, one evening and he fucked it all up. He ran his hands through his hair and huffed. "Did my fucking homework and everything, for the session, I'm really trying and it just sucks because I don't know if there's any point to it all."

"There is a point to it all. The point is you, Felix, and you are worth it. Even if you can't see that yourself right now." Holden wasn't even certain how to engage with everything else Felix had said. Like how his heart skipped a beat even just realising that Felix was implying that he hadn't wanted for them to be ended, which was patently ridiculous. But he knew he would never be over Felix, why would that have changed by now? Every time he thought about him he knew that much. And right now, looking at him.

"Just don't give up on yourself. Please." Not his place to ask, but it seemed important anyway. "And, you know, I guess we never fit into each other's worlds. Doesn't mean it's selfish that we wanted to try. Stupid, maybe. But not selfish."

Felix was quiet for a moment, one shoe on and one shoe off, feeling that it was a pretty good state to be in, given everything. He sighed and then looked at his former love, feeling such pain inside and hating it. "I don't know if I'll ever see you again, you know. I just wanted to tell you that ... you were the one and I'm sorry I sucked. I couldn't handle it. I knew I'd ruin it so I tried to ruin it faster and harder so it would be done. I spent my life just chasing the end because I knew it was always coming. And now I found the end and I'm just -- I'm just sorry. I shouldn't have done it to you the way I did."

And he did feel bad. He knew it wasn't his place to feel like that or say all of this right now but he was hoping to never burden Holden again. "I'm sorry we didn't work out. I always had an idea in my head and just -- you have a kid, it's so perfect. And you need to find someone who's good with kids and maybe have more." And he was so happy for him. "I'm just sorry. For myself. I wish I could be that guy and it sucks."

"I know that!" All of that. Hell, he remembered discovering that Felix had cheated and feeling worse, at least for a moment, over Felix succeeding in destroying them than the destruction itself. It wasn't as if he didn't understand Felix, diagnosis or not. He knew Felix better than anyone, probably better than Felix knew himself.

And then Felix said all of that and Holden could barely even listen. Just watched Felix and loved Felix and then he had pushed away from the wall and suddenly he was kissing Felix and he didn't ever want to stop.

He was stupid that way. In love.

Oh God, they were kissing. Did he kiss him? When did he do that? Oh. Wait. No, it was Holden kissing him. Woah, that was bad, right? This was bad. He felt wrong for doing it this way. He swiftly pushed Holden back but kept his hands on his shoulders, knowing that doing any of this without Holden's consent was a line cross.

"Holden." He looked him in the eyes and then looked away, unable to look him in the eyes. "We shouldn't-- I've got HIV. AIDS. I, erm, yeah." He knew he didn't need to add much. It spoke for itself. Death sentence. Slutty. Gay. Spread easily. Maybe he was dumb but he didn't know if swapping spit was dangerous or not. "Sorry. Should have warned you."

"...I mean, in all fairness to you, you couldn't foresee that I was gonna jump you." Or maybe he should have, talking like that. Calling him the one. Whatever, there were other things to focus on now. Severe issues. "HIV or AIDS already? And... It's transmitted via blood, not saliva. For the record."

So he was not worried about that right now. Worried about a lot of other things, mostly worried about Felix. "Are you-- You have to eat something proper!" He knew Felix, he never ate properly. "You need veggie, fruit, healthy stuff. Beans."

Was that a good reaction to this reveal? Maybe not, but he was so used to wanting to take care of Felix.

"Uh, HIV, right now at least. I'm doing okay, my doctor gave me an estimate if I keep going like I am but I'm stubborn, I'll beat it." He wasn't going to take those meds. All of his mates that did, they ended up dead. And he wasn't going to die so soon. "It's just -- I mean, I ate enough? I had the wagon wheel. Well, almost all of the wagon wheel."

He finished the last bite, just to show Holden. "See, look, ate it."

He put the wrapper in the trash, struggling to process how Holden spoke about it. He wasn't disgusted or horrified, just himself. How did he even react to that. "I can eat when I'm home. It's cool. Thanks... I'm not used to that. Most people react with disgust. I've lost almost every mate I had that didn't already die from it."

"That's because your mates are all pillocks." Seemed only fair to point that out. Holden shook his head, trying to recall everything he had read on the issue. Which, considering he knew Remus and others and since he specialised a lot in these matters was actually quite a lot. "You wouldn't have anything healthy at home. Come over to the kitchen, I'll make you a baked potato."

That was his exciting dinner plan tonight. "Remus has HIV. Did you know?" Probably not. "Sirius is still with him. Not everyone is like your mates, Felix."

"I know Sirius has a dog... that's kind of it. Oh and his boyfriend works with books." He liked Sirius, he saw him around a lot but he had no idea Remus had a boyfriend. "I dunno if I can stay around your kid, mate. It's not safe." What if he bled or something? He liked Holden, he wanted his kid to like him, he wanted to be a good person and not fuck one thing up.

And so far, he'd goaded Holden into a kiss and now they were doing to his kitchen. "I try to keep distance, you know? I'm never sure. I just -- I didn't mean to catch it. I was really drunk and the guy I was with, he lied." He didn't blame him, he got it. "He was a good guy, he was. Honest. Just a little out of it. He's dead now, he went so fast..."

"Well, Felix, then I recommend you stay away from sharp objects and especially blades. Which has always been my recommendation for you." That said he grabbed Felix by the arm and led him along to the door, through the hallway. The movie would be far from over, so hopefully that would mean Felix had some time to adjust to this. "I promise to grab Gideon and hold him out of reach as soon as you start bleeding."

He was teasing, just a little. He hoped a bit of humour could help Felix relax. "Look, Felix. We all know how this goes. And we, the community, we've got to stick together. I've friends that work in research. Friends that are carers. Friends affected. I get it."

As much as he could, anyway. "And you can eat a potato. Won't hurt anyone."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject